At War With Myself (BLJ 3)

It has become terribly apparent to me through reading several books that I as a christian am truly at war with my own sin nature. Jesus came to heal the sick and reach out to others. If the kingdom of God is reaching out to widow's and orphans, where does that leave me. I am more worried about making sure I like my job than I am about reaching out to others.

I don't feel bad that I am this way, I just know that it is typical. Me, not wanting to be typical wants to be one who reaches out to others and shows them God through a relationship (no matter how good or bad at it that I am) that I have with them. People have to know that I am real and not perfect.

Blue Like Jazz has challenged me to see myself as evil and in much need of grace. I find myself getting vain in my christianity and that isn't healthy ever, so while I don't feel judgemental of others, I know I can be that way and am now challenged to step back and give grace as much as I need it.

I know that God covers all types and he covers me equally. I could be only steps away from being Hitler but today, I have to believe that if I were Hitler, if I were a the biggest little white liar, if I were a murderer, if I were living a gay lifestyle, if I were the columbine killers, I could find God who gives grace equally and amply to all who come asking.

In finding equality in Grace, I believe that you find true peace with your sin and can learn to give away God's amazing gift in absolute humility knowing that the receiver of grace is in as much need of it as you are. I am sorry for my sin, I admit that to God and accept His Grace facedown.

Now that I can receive grace, my life must change to walk in the light - fighting against my sin nature or sin tendencies. Typically giving into sin can no longer be something I do. I must be vigil and ready to fight sin, knowing that in my loss God is my ally.